Love Is a Verb (“I Didn’t Love My Wife When We Got Married—The Real Truth About Love”)


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I am going to reblog a very honest and nicely-written article with the attention-grabbing perhaps even somewhat shocking title of I Didn’t Love My Wife When We Got Married” (The Real Truth About Love) by Elad Nehorai (the original article can be found here—http://popchassid.com/didnt-love-wife/   and here—http://www.aish.com/f/m/I-Didnt-Love-My-Wife-When-We-Got-Married.html)

What the author concludes and admits to is very true of the vast majority of long-term relationships and marriages.

Infatuation, limerance, lust, romantic feelings—all of these are mistaken as love, or are viewed as necessary precursors to real love and entering into an intimate relationship with another human being.  But the reality is that these supposed “precursors”—physical attraction, butterflies in the stomach, giddiness, limerance, lust, romantic feelings—are some of the most questionable and least reliable predictors of whether a relationship will succeed or fail.

Yet this sentimental, heart-heavy, head-light, and likely very ignorant and unrealistic view of “love” is what Madison Avenue, Hollywood, and publishing houses continue to offer in abundance—for the simple reason that it sells so well!  This is the view of love that seemingly most people want to believe.  And this is the view of love that feels so good to believe!

No matter what we believe or hope love is or how we try to define it, love ultimately will be some form of an ideal. It is either an ideal (or idealized) state of emotion and feeling, or an idealized state of connection, or it is an idealized state or level of behavior (“state” meaning consistent or near constant) and being/personhood, or some combination of some or each of the above.

Clearly the vast majority of human beings—and the vast majority of those in Hollywood and the publishing industry behind what is offered for consumption and for profit—is the view of love as some idealized state of feeling and physical attraction and psychological connection.

And all of that is reflective of the average level of differentiation of most people in our society—those who buy what the media sells, and those who create and produce what the media sells and publishes.

We as a society and a culture generally don’t seem to value substance over style, growth over comfort, and difficulty over the path of least resistance. So what tends to sell really well is what tends to pander to people’s congenital tastes and preferences and naïve hopes and desires, not their higher possibilities and aspirations and deepest wisdom. And so there is this vicious cycle where most people buy and consume what feels and tastes good, which only tends to furthers atrophy and weaken and stultify them, which in turn creates more of a market for more of the same material that promises to have more of the same anesthetizing, stultifying, hypnotizing, dreamy-eye, mind-softening effect.  Et cetera.

Back to the article that I am about to reblog.  Much of what the author concludes is not new.  I’ve come across it before in M. Scott Peck’s “The Road Less Traveled,” Gary Chapman’s “The Five Love Languages,” Stephen Covey’s “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.”  Which makes me wonder again what would become of our culture were more people to read solid books about love and to begin getting more curious about what love is and is not.

Who knows? . . .

Here is the article—

“I Didn’t Love My Wife When We Got Married” (The Real Truth About Love)

by Elad Nehorai

http://popchassid.com/didnt-love-wife/

http://www.aish.com/f/m/I-Didnt-Love-My-Wife-When-We-Got-Married.html

I’m a ridiculous, emotional, over-sentimental sap.  I guess that’s why I told my wife I loved her on our second date.

I had tried really hard up to that point to hold it back, honestly.  I wanted to tell her on the first date, but I knew that would probably be weird.

I still remember her reaction.  She kind of gave me this half-shy, half-amused smile.  Then she nodded and looked off into the sky.

I wasn’t heartbroken by the response.  I think part of me recognized that she was much smarter and more modest than me.

But as time has gone on, I also realized that she knew something that I didn’t.

Like most Hasidic Jews (we both became religious later in life), our dating period lasted a very short time.  After two months of dating, we were engaged.  Three months after that, we were married.

And that whole time I was swooning.  This fire was burning in me, a fire that burned just like that second date: I was in love.

But then we got married, and everything changed.

Marriage, quicker than I was ready for, did this thing: it started sucking away that emotion.

I tried so hard to keep that fire going, to keep that emotion alight, but it got harder and harder.

I mean, how you can feel that burning love when you’re sitting at the table discussing how to use the last twenty dollars in your bank account?

How can you feel it when you get into an argument?

How can you feel it when you think it makes perfect sense to put your socks on the floor after you’re done with them, and she has this crazy idea that they need to go in the laundry basket?

There was no way I could keep that dating fire burning as practicality invaded our lives.

And at first, it drove me nuts.  That emotion meant love!  That excitement was how I knew I cared for her!  But suddenly, life was this grind.  Even when I was with her.  Especially when I was with her.

And even worse, it seemed that the harder I tried to be sentimental and lovey-dovey, the less it was reciprocated.

But it wasn’t that she wasn’t giving me love, it just seemed to come at different times.

Like, when I offered to do the dishes.  Or make dinner after she had a hard day.  Or, once we had a daughter, when I shared the responsibility of watching over her.

I don’t think I noticed this consciously for a while.  It just kept happening.

But I think it had an effect on me.  Because as our marriage progressed, I found myself offering to help out around the house more and more.

And after each time, there would be this look she would give me.  This look of absolute love.  One that was soft and so beautiful.

It took me longer than I care to admit to understand what was happening.

But eventually it became clear.  Through giving, through doing things for my wife, the emotion that I had been so desperately seeking naturally came about.  It wasn’t something I could force, just something that would come about as a result of my giving.

In other words, it was *in the practicality* that I found the love I was looking for.

And what was even more interesting was that once I realized this on a conscious level, and started trying to find more opportunities to give, the more we both, almost intuitively, became lovey-dovey.

And now, as I’m a bit older and a bit more experienced with this relationship, I’ve finally come to realize something. Something I haven’t wanted to admit for a long time, but is undeniable.

I didn’t love my wife on that second date.

I didn’t love her when we got engaged.

I didn’t even love her when we got married.

Because love isn’t an emotion.  That fire I felt, it was simply that: emotional fire.  From the excitement of dating a woman I felt like I could marry.  But it wasn’t love.

No, love isn’t an emotion or even a noun.  It’s a verb.  Better defined as giving.  As putting someone else’s needs above your own.

Why wasn’t I getting reciprocal lovey-doveyness when we were first married?  Because it wasn’t for her.  It was for me.  An emotion I had in my chest.

And even when I let it out of my chest, it wasn’t love.

Being sappy isn’t love.  Telling someone you love them doesn’t mean that you do.

And that’s why my wife just gave me that half-smile.  She knew, even if I didn’t, what love really is.

And now that I’ve tried to change the way I look at love, the more I become shocked at the messages of love I had gotten when I was younger.

From Disney movies to my favorite shows like “The Office” to practically every pop song released, love is constantly sold as an emotion we have before we’re married.  An emotion that, once had, somehow magically stays within a marriage forever.

I can’t imagine a bigger lie.  And I’m saddened to think about how much those messages bounced around in my head for so long.  And how much I’m sure those messages are bouncing around in other people’s heads as well.

I think that might be a big part of the reason the divorce rate is so high in this country.  Imagine a whole nation of people constantly chasing the emotions they had when they were dating.  A country of people trying to live a Disney movie.

That’s a recipe for disastrous marriages; for a country with a 50% divorce rate;  for adultery (the classic attempt to turn the fire back on); for people who do stay together to simply live functional, loveless marriages.

It’s sad to see just how common all the above is.  How many people are in pain simply because they’ve been lied to.

Those people deserve better.  We all deserve better.

It’s time that we changed the conversation about love.  It’s time that we redefine it.

Because until we do, adultery will continue to be common.  Loveless marriages.  Divorce.

Living Disney movies in our minds, and tragedies in our lives.

(Elad Nehorai, “I Didn’t Love My Wife When We Got Married–The Real Truth About Love,” http://popchassid.com/didnt-love-wife/  & http://www.aish.com/f/m/I-Didnt-Love-My-Wife-When-We-Got-Married.html)

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About John

I am a married, 46-year old, Midwesterner, with four children. My primary interest is in leading a very examined and decent and Loving life; my interests that are related to this and that feed into this include (and are not limited to) -- psychology, philosophy, poetry, critical thinking, photography, soccer, tennis, chess, bridge.
This entry was posted in "The Five Love Languages", Elad Nehorai, Emotional Maturity, Immature Love, Intimacy, Intimate Relationships, Love is a Choice, Love is a Commitment, Love Is a Verb, Love is Not a Feeling, M. Scott Peck, Real Love, Spiritual Growth, Stephen Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, The Examined Life, The Road Less Traveled, Truth, What is Love? and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Love Is a Verb (“I Didn’t Love My Wife When We Got Married—The Real Truth About Love”)

  1. Nice. What I see as a sadness about Western culture is that this sort of practical love seems so elusive for most people, that it isn’t commonly experienced within the whole community from the day we’re born to the day we die among all the people we encounter, that we have to wait for a ‘special someone’ to experience it with. Our society seems fractured, crowded with individuals who feel alone – it’s no wonder people get sold on romantic dreams where their hopes are raised to such dizzy heights that it’s hardly surprising they come crashing down – most people are love-starved.

  2. Ekai says:

    The question to Elad would be “Would you go through all these efforts if you didn’t have the magic happened to you on your first date?” I believe that it the magic and your desire of the magic to continue made you do all the efforts.

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